Way-ay-aiting is the hardest part

I told myself I would name all my posts using musical theatre lyrics, which makes me soooo not cool, but super cool in my little mind, but I have to immediately make an exception for Tom Petty lyric stolen from the episode of 'The Simpsons' where Homer gets a gun. It's good to have goals.

So so much for that.

Also so much for the summer project I really want. No, we're not saying that, we are using The Secret and saying that I WILL THINK IT AND ATTRACT IT INTO MY LIFE LIKE A MAGNET. Really I am trying to say that but also saying 'Oh God I probably didn't get it I am a failure'. But apparently this is not doing The Secret at all, you have to be totally sure that things will happen the way you want them, and that is so not how I operate at all.

I'm trying to be more positive, but it definitely feels like a jacket that does not fit, whereas my negativity feels like pajamas. I can just put that on and sit in bed and eat chips for days. Yep. That's me. BUT NO MORE OF THAT.

Maybe a bit more of that.

Yesterday I went to a rehearsal for the writer's circle where I'm an actor. They write scripts, and then some actors come in and we read them and try to help them hear the work. It's really fun and the writing is incredibly strong. It makes me wonder about my own writing. I'd really like to create my own work, but writing is terrifying for me. I am taking a playwriting class and I wrote something and have had to hear it read and that was incredibly painful. I just wanted to throw up all over myself. I don't think I have any sense of plot or action, all I want is to create small moments for nerdy people, or have ridiculous absurd things happen. Sometime I see theatre and that is all it is anyway, and I think 'I could do that'. And then I see theatre and realize that what I have is a collection of napkins with words scribbled on them and that that is so far from a play, and that I have no money or people to help me turn it from napkins to play and then I want to give up and be really jealous of talented people with help turning their scribblings into something. Everyone in the writer's group is talented....really talented. It overwhelms me.

I don't think I'm talented at all. I think I'm genuinely a really hard worker, but then there are days like today where I watch season 2 of 'Friends' instead of doing ANYTHING ELSE and then I wonder how I can think I have this great work ethic. Maybe I don't. I hope so though, because that's about all I have going for me.

I am good at pushing myself through horrible experiences, though, which might be a requirement if I am going to try and write anything really. I write all the time but it is absolutely nothing. Just little bits......

I'm waiting and it really sucks. Let's have good news now, please.