Thursday, March 4, 2010

Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong

Wow, do I come up with bad post titles or what? I wish I could get paid to think up terrible puns. I guess if I had been a writer on 'Sex and the City', this would have been possible. Or bad play titles. I would be amazing at thinking up titles of plays that nobody would ever want to see. I could probably write a lot of plays that nobody would ever want to see too, but who has the patience? Well, apparently I do, I spend a lot of time typing away at little snatches of dialogue that will never be anything, and if they were, eventually, something, it would be the sort of something that I could convince a few dear friends to see, but would be otherwise performed in an empty theatre and cost me a lot of money.

I am going through intense bursts of 'feeling like an actor', and then 'feeling not like an actor'. After such a long break from acting, and such a tough break from the only thing that made me feel like an actor, I am definitely back in it in a way that I didn't think would be possible. It's not 100%. It's not the career I want, or even close to that. But it is more than I was doing. I'm in a show. I have a (really cool sounding, professional-type) workshop coming up. I'm doing a reading series and helping develop new work. I am auditioning a bit, and have a callback tomorrow. These are all not nothing. I think. Today I had rehearsal, tomorrow callback, Sunday costume fitting and reading. That seems like an actorly schedule.

And then I flip and feel like the work I'm doing isn't good enough, both in terms of the quality of the work I'm putting out there and the stuff that I'm cast in or trying out for or whatever. That everyone else has real careers and mine is still so amateur. And that everything I'm doing is really nothing.

That's frustrating. I don't like that feeling, but I don't know how to stop it.

Sometimes I try by watching so much TV-on-the-Internet. It often works!

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