I guess I don't like blogging that much. Seeing as I never do it.
Actually, I really like blogging a lot. I just feel like I might not have enough to blog about. Even if this blog focuses on theatre, I don't know if my theatrical thoughts are interesting enough. Lots of the time they aren't even theatrical. I recently sat through a play and spent a good chunk of it creating elaborate fantasies in my head. This, on one hand, greatly compromised my play-going experience, and, on the other hand greatly enhanced it. I had a hell of a time.
Today I went for an audition for a job that is kind of acting but not really. Hosting, tour-guiding, performing-type thing. With a Harry Potter twist! And that's all I'm allowed to say because they made me sign a confidentiality agreement, which freaked me right the hell out, even though I actually think I am pretty ok at keeping secrets.
I had a moment where I was really sad and embarrassed, and all 'I have a degree, and have been told I am a smart girl, and all my friends are lawyers, and I probably won't get this job which is kind of ridiculous. AND even as an actor, I have some training and have been working so hard for so long and I am still doing this kind of thing, way more than I'm auditioning for stuff that I'd love to do, or creating things on my own'.
I have those thoughts a lot and I'd really like to not. As much as sometimes I hate the stuff I have to do, I am trying to be more grateful whenever anyone gives me a penny to perform. It took so long before I was ever given money to act, and I remember the first time I was paid ($145 for a Fringe show that was rehearsed over a week in the writer/director's bedroom), I was so thrilled. I still have the cash in an envelope. I could never bring myself to spend it because I wasn't sure I'd ever be paid to act again.
So I sat through the audition and kind of laughed at my embarrassment and that made me feel better. I'm trying to be grateful. Its hard when there's so much rejection and unfairness. But, no matter how bad the play is or how difficult the process is, in general I'd rather be in the rehearsal room than out.
I have to fight to remember that.