You're Nothing Without Me

This is not how I am, is it? I'm a nice actor. I think.

I'm also one of the most difficult people of all time. FACT.

I think I treat SMs pretty well, but my rampant temper and insane sensitivity might make that statement a lie. Really I think I'm more difficult to other actors. I appreciate SMs. They are amazing. I can't do any of the things that they do, and when they are good, it is like watching a freaking surgeon fly an eagle. Like, it is that awesome.

Because when I was an SM I cried 90% of the time. Now, of course, I generally cry 90% of the time, but being an SM made that worse because I had to call people. I don't call people. I have tremendous anxiety calling people. So I tried to avoid it. I would call ONE person, and ask them to call other people, and so on. I spent all of rehearsal imagining myself playing all the parts, and working out elaborate fantasies where I would get to play these parts. I ate any edible props before they could be used, and I tasted most of the other props. Essentially, I was the worst stage manager possible.

Here are things you need to be a great stage manager that I do not possess:

1. A cool head.
2. Patience
3. Clip boards and differently colored pens
4. Time management skills
5. The ability to tell people that rehearsal is starting in such a way that the rehearsal then actually starts.
6. A watch that works

Things that I have that make you a bad stage manager:

1. A deep set belief that I play all the parts far better than the actors who are actually playing them.
2. A nervous disposition
3. The habit of answering any problem or potential problem with a fearful look and the exclamation, 'OH NO! WHAT EVER ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!?'
4. A propensity towards losing everything
5. An attitude that often leads me to utter the phrase, 'Pfft. Do it yourself'.
6. No pens.

I really have to make it as a theatre artist, because I am completely unemployable otherwise.