Happy Talky Talky Happy Talk

Well, I've been trying to use this blog as beacon for positivity. I used to do a lot of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, and it never really worked, but I've recently learned that no one likes you when all you do is whine all the time. I have to admit that I am judgmental (it is not something I'm proud of, but is something that is very true), and something that I judge people on, along with the books they read, and the things they say, and the middle of the road comedy shows they think are acceptable things to watch (TWO AND A HALF MEN IS NOT FUNNY), is their complaining levels. So I'm trying to whine less and be happy about good things that might be going on in my life.

But really, I'm not that kind of person. I am not a 'glass half full' person. I am more of a 'glass is made of poison and broken dreams and hates me and is looking at me cock-eyed right now WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT COCK EYED LOOK, GLASS???'


When you're someone who gets sad pretty easily and gets anxious even more easily, being positive feels like physical effort. Like running up a motherfucking hill. Sisyphus styles.

But every now and again I get it into my head that I'm going to be more positive.

Anyway, this is how that cycle goes (I play both parts. In my fantasies, I usually play all the parts. Especially in my Saved by the Bell fantasies):

'Hey, self, let's be positive. Then people will like us and we will attract wonderful things into our life, via the Secret, which I did not read, but did make fun of once upon a time':



'Self, I like that idea! WE WILL BE POSITIVE NOW!'

****POSITIVITY******

'Oh, trees. Trees are nice, right? They give us shade and also bark! Remember taking birch bark when you were a kid and drawing on it? That was kind of fun! Hooray for positive memories!'

'And, you know, if, in this life, I have trees to be grateful for (NOTE: GRATITUDE IS VERY IMPORTANT WHEN YOU ARE BECOMING A POSITIVE PERSON), then maybe it doesn't matter that I don't have an agent and am not doing enough theatre work and maybe I'm not a very good actor at all, I mean, no one ever says I'm that good and I would probably have been at a major theatre by now if I was good so maybe I should just give -'

'OH I MEAN LA LA LA LA LA TREES ARE NIIIIIIICE!'

*****CONCERTED EFFORT AT POSITIVITY********

'Hey, this is going ok! How long has it been?'

'Fifteen minutes?'

'Hm, that's not so long, self. Oh wait, I mean, I HAVE DONE SUPER WELL AT THIS FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES. I AM SO POSITIVE NOW'.

'OH YES EVERYONE IS SUPER HAPPY HERE AND LOOKING AT THINGS IN A NICE LIGHT'.

*****MILD NEGATIVE THOUGHT OR THING HAPPENING IN LIFE*****

'Oh. How horrifically disappointing.'

'You suck.'

'Yeah. NO! Wait. Let's be happy again....kind of....this doesn't mean I ...totally...suck.....'

'Ok, we can still try to be positive, because it's just one bad thing -'

*****SECOND NEGATIVE THOUGHT OR THING HAPPENING IN LIFE*****

'All right, all right, this is a test. I will survive this test, and continue to think positively although I have absolutely nothing to base that on. Really, thinking positive at this moment makes me an idiot, because with everything that's happening, I would be stupid to think anything good would happen. But I'll do it, I'll do it, things are ok, things are ok, things are ok-'

****ONE MORE BAD THING....*******

'NOTHING GOOD WILL EVER HAPPEN AGAIN! BED TIME FOREVER!!!!!'

I then lapse into a cycle of negativity which involves lying in bed all the live long day and watching shows that I don't actually enjoy that much on my computer.

So I go from this:


To this:

To this:

To this:


TO THIS:


And then I watch four hours of The Big Bang Theory online while consuming some combination of savory and sweet things. The Big Bang Theory is not even funny. Sigh. The worst part about this is that this is how I feel most comfortable. I feel like myself when I'm wallowing in pits of despair, expecting anvils to drop on me by some maniacal Wile E. Coyote like character in my midst.

Eventually, enough TV and bed make me feel happy again, or else so frustrated that I have to do something that is NOT TV and bed, and the cycle starts again.

POSITIVITY NOW.