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I went to Nuit Blanche....kinda.

I didn't last that long. The whole thing is pretty overwhelming, and I think I have to be in a better frame of mind to go. I also think I need to plan to go for longer than I went. I kind of would have liked to see more, and kind of didn't care anyway.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT ART IS.

Everyone wants to look at art because it is Nuit Blanche, but most of the time, there is all this art everywhere and no one cares. It it just because Nuit Blanche is a thing and everyone drinks out in the street and it is an event and that is fun?

But I see art all the time! Look!




And then there's all the stuff that isn't art because no one says it is, but maybe it is.


Like beautiful Montreal cupcakes that are so pretty.


Or my brother posing outside the Big Lebowski store in New York.

Or this.


Ok, I just drew that, I guess that is not art.

I'm fascinated by the idea that things are ART in a museum or when we deign to call them art, and the rest of the time they are just stuff. It is so funny to me. The pretension of that. Humans are so ridiculous.

Nuit Blanche felt like a whole bunch of people just out, looking at art, but not really thinking about it or engaging with it, because there is no help with how to engage with pieces, and everything is so crowded. Maybe Nuit Blanche as a thing is the art. That's interesting to me. And there's nothing wrong with all this: it's fun to be out, and it's great to provide opportunities for local artists to create and then have people come and look at it. But there's just something missing for me...I'm too obsessed with what is art and what is good art, because I think, all the time, about how much I want to make good, meaningful, powerful, strange, beautiful, grotesque art.

I guess part of the problem is that I don't drink regularly or enough. So I don't get this sudden interest in one night of all-night art. Although I totally get the interest in something because it is the middle of the night. I love doing things in the middle of the night! I remember going to Midnight Movies at the Oxford Cinema in Halifax and even if I felt lonely it was like a little community going to see this movie even though it was too late, and then when we survived it, especially a scary move like 'Silence of the Lambs', or an epic movie like 'Godfather Part I', which stopped right before the car blew up (WHOOPS SPOILER) and we had to wait five minutes for them to reload the film but then they did and WE FINISHED IT AND IT WAS LIKE 'YAY WE ALL WATCHED THIS MOVE LATE TOGETHER!' That was always kind of great and felt like an accomplishment, even though I would just sit and occasionally make my friend Josh laugh. I'm not even in touch with Josh anymore and it still makes me happy that once upon a time I could occasionally make him laugh.

I guess everything is just a way to get rid of the loneliness, to feel something for a little bit of time so that we can remember it when we are lonely, to mark it in some abacus that I keep, so that I can tick it off and be like, 'Yup, one night in October I walked around downtown and saw free art', and I guess that is an accomplishment, sometimes it feels like one and sometime it most certainly does not.

But Nuit Blanche just made me feel more lonely. I guess I have to be in the right frame of mind. But really, my experience was just what it was and I can't judge it, and I have to be honest about it because being honest from minute to minute is what makes me a good actor.

right....?

It just seemed tiresome and too crowded. Too many people around and nothing seemed to be genuine, because everything is just something to get through and maybe that's just what it is, that is the experience, and really, it's fine, it's fun if you bring fun to it, and not if you don't bring anything to it, but really, is that all there is?

I guess so.

I'm a bit too in touch with loneliness. And maybe everyone is, but no one ever wants to talk about it. In the same way that no one ever really wants to talk about art. I feel I see plays and am in plays and go around wondering, 'Is this good? Am I good in this? What is this even about?', and no one really wants to talk about it, because even mentioning these things shatters something about them.

And maybe they shouldn't be asked about or talked about. But isn't that the whole thing? Isn't that why we make art? Especially theatre, which is, in essence, a live forum? So that after we can talk about things? But no one really cares. Maybe just because it is 3 a.m. in October and everyone had been drinking.

Art makes my head hurt.