You Cross Your Fingers and Hold Your Heart

Urp, we have to open tonight.

I don't feel very ready for this opening, which is fair, I think, when its a show like this that is quite big (in that it has a set and a projector and tech and 5 people and songs and dancing), and we only had 4 hours on the stage to make it happen.

There are the openings that you're ready for, where you're chomping at the bit and really need an audience, and then there are the openings that come out of nowhere and bite you in the face.

Although someone was saying, what would we do with more time, and its kind of true, we'd run it but we'd never really be prepared, because how can you prepare yourself to be bitten in the face? There will always be blood. There will always be surprises. There will always be tears. So you just do everything you can before you get run over by the train. And then you cope.

I'm coping by freaking out! What else is new?

I freak out all the time!

I'm trying to summon up some excitement. I am excited. But right now I'm just nervous. I'll be excited after we open and have conquered that. Because the show is fun and funny and totally unpretentious and that's wonderful. So once I just get through it once it will be ok and I'll be back to my neurotic self.

Honestly? I'm looking forward to not being in a play for a bit. After this I have a reading the week after, so that will keep me busy, and then I have a month where I don't have to perform (except, you know, my screaming fits on the subways and dramatic monologues to gay boys begging them to love me so that we can just watch musicals and cry together all the time, which are the only activities I'm interested in, sexually or otherwise). I'm kind of really looking forward to not performing. Of course, that looking forward will last approximately nine minutes, and then I will frantically try to cajole an army of homeless men into staging my rendition of 'As You Like It', as that's probably the only company that will ever let me have a shot at playing Rosalind.

And then we'll do my masterpiece, 'Ot-Hello Dolly!', a conflation of two great works. (Actually this is my total dream).