And You're Aching to Move But Your Caught in Her Web.

Ok.
So I'm difficult.

I ADMIT IT!

I'm a hideous man eating fire breathing spider woman!

I push because I want things to be really good, and that comes off as bossy, or aggressive. I have certain rules, like I really try to never ever give another actor notes (because when another actor gives me notes, I want to flip right the hell out), or try to tell anyone how to do their job. But when I'm working, I can go into this mode of super focus and speed, of wanting to drill things that need drilling without fucking around. And when I get worried or scared, that mode becomes even more militant. And really it is just me going inward so that I don't get mad or say something. It looks like shutting down, and I guess it is in a way, but its also how to cope when the going gets rough. The only alternative I've found to that is freaking out, and that doesn't work. So I get kind of stroppy, I guess? Quiet. Fast.

And sometimes that all comes across as BITCH.

I'm so terrorized by the idea of being a difficult, demanding actress. It haunts me that my this reputation already exists about me and will preclude any success. I will be like ChaCha
diGregorio.


'They call me Cha Cha because I'm the best dancer at St. Bernadette's'. 'With the worst reputation!'

But the thing about Cha Cha is, SHE COULD DANCE.



TERRIBLE VIDEO! Good scene.

And I am difficult, but I really believe that you can see hard work, and you can see the effort and the care and the skill onstage. So I push to make the show as good as it can be. It's just always scary that the way you are, and something that I think is positive, like caring about shows, can come across as being a negative and something that makes people count you out. It's a girl thing too...the stereotype of the impossible actress. GREEN M AND Ms ONLY!

So I push myself and I try not to push anyone around me, but I do, even when I don't mean to. Because I am frustrated now when I'm not in stuff I really believe in. I've done enough of plays just for the sake of doing plays. Now, we make art! Or not really. I just want to be in good shit. Partly for my career, because I'm always looking for the thing to take me to the next level and all of that. And partly because it's only fun now when it's good. If I'm being honest. And good is not the same to everyone, but I want to believe in the work I'm doing, even if everyone else hates it.

I'm working on it. Trying not to be so impossible. I can't really expect myself to care less. I care about everything! But I'm trying to be aware of it. Because I like other hard workers, but I know that not everyone does, and I have to be able to work with as many types of people as possible. It's hard. It's hard to not be who you are.

Anyway, because I'm an actor, I just spent the better part of two hours to try and recreate this hairstyle:



Good thing I have nothing else to do with my life!

Except rehearse. Which we are doing. As much as we can. And it's coming together. Yup.


Happy August!