One week, will it ever be right?

OH WOW SUPER FUN TIMES.

I never have super fun times due to a ridiculous number of insecurities and a propensity towards inactivity and crying, but whenever I do they are so SUPER FUN TIMES.



Doing a show out of town has some fairly significant drawbacks, but it is really fun too. Namely that you get to be driven around by an 18 year old Sudburian, who takes you to gay bars and then picks you up and takes you to a party where you can't get in BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO OLD and then shows you the Sudbury After Dark tour!


So fun.

And now I can say I danced in Sudbury! Jen, who is Alice in the play, and is just a huge inspiration because she is so happy and positive, says whenever you go anywhere you should dance so that you can say you danced there after. It's good advice.


I was almost not going to go out because I'm worried that I'm not doing a good job, and I felt I had to stay responsible and be at home worrying. I"m a tiny bit sick as well....Coughy McGee.....but I went out. Because what am I going to do at home worrying? That isn't the work. I don't think it is, at least. I'm trying to push through this thing....I don't know what it is. This feeling of things never being good enough, this constant worry. I wonder if it ever goes away. If there is a point when I've done enough shows or received enough acclaim or made enough money or am in some way the kind of success I want to be, which I can't even articulate now, but one day I achieve it and the worry goes away. My mom thinks if I took voice lessons it would go away.....I don't know.

It's hard to work with though. It crushes away at a genuine joy that I do have for the work. Sometimes I think it feeds me, that being a perfectionist means I work harder and the work is better, but sometimes it just means that the work is harder and I am never happy.


The STC crew is pretty amazing....they were pulling 30 plus hour days and still smiling, still working...it's a pretty incredibly positive place. I have such a tendency to work out of negativity and frustration, to never think I can be positive or relaxed, and then I kept getting myself in environments where this was encouraged. It's surprising and wonderful to be in such a gentle, happy place.




Except for some reason I am pensive in this picture. BUT REALLY I AM HAPPY!

ONE WEEK TO GO!