Hey 50 posts!
Soon I will be able to start advertising that I do this, and then people will read it, and then it will make me popular and then it will make me MONEY.
I capitalize money, but I'd really just as soon be popular.
It bothers me how much I want to be liked, because I have never been, and likely will never be, a person who draws others in to her. I wish I could be ok being a loner, but I'm really not.
I think a lot about why I have a blog. Sometimes I think that I'd love a website that had pictures of me and news and things, lots of emerging actors I know do this and I am oddly fascinated by them, but it just seems ridiculous for me. I have a very boring and small life. I don't think anyone would be interested in the crappy little projects I do. Plus, anyone who is interested knows because I tell them because they are in my life.
I like the idea that my blog is for thinking about the work I do. That's hard when I'm not doing enough work (like now), and especially when I'm feeling totally terrible about the work (especially like now).
I don't like getting constantly rejected for creation possibilities. I get rejected from acting jobs CONSTANTLY (although recently the problem has been more that I am not getting any opportunities, holy god, where are the auditions? For someone with no agent I usually am pretty good at getting stuff, but lately it has been sliiiiim pickins), but even more than that I get rejected from writing, things where they are looking for new projects. I think of projects and I work on them and get excited about them, and then no one wants them.
It's hard to think that you're the weird one, the one with the problem, the one with nothing to say, but it feels like that right now.
I feel quite removed from a lot of the work I see, especially the work I see from other people my age, and maybe I just don't fit in. Maybe that's why no one wants to see what I do, because it is different, because I am different, and the things I think are not the things that other people think.
'Art is like love, its seeing yourself in things that aren't you': that's one of my favorite quotes, but maybe I am incapable of making something that shows other people a part of themselves.
I'm very disappointed. It feels very hopeless, and it feels like a very personal thing.
Anyway, this brings me back to my blog, that I just don't write about things that other people think or are interested in.
So I try to use it to make myself be more positive, because I have to frame things here in a way that people could read them, which means I have to be more positive and proactive than I, in my heart of hearts, am.
But I don't know if that's working, and I don't know if that's real, and I don't know if that's helpful. So why have a blog? Who cares?
But I have been reading two blogs that make me think that a) someone somewhere has something in common with me, and b) the thinking about why you have a blog is something you just think, and it doesn't diminish the value of a blog.
http://blog.amandapalmer.net/
Amanda Fucking Palmer, of the Dresden Dolls and Amanda Palmer. She's great. She just played the Emcee in what sounds like the best production of Cabaret ever.
http://theatrerusticle.org/Theatre_Rusticle/Blog/Blog.html
Alyson McMackon from Theatre Rusticle. She doesn't update very much but its really interesting to read her thoughts about the work. Her company is workshopping a production of Peter and the Wolf, which I just want to be in. It sounds like something I could do. Sounds like something I want to do.
I read these blogs and think that there must be some interest in the work that I do, because their work appeals to me. But I don't know. I don't know how to get the opportunity to show what I can do. I'm fighting for it. I'm working to hard for it. But it just doesn't seem to be happening, and I don't know what more I can do. I'd like to give myself the opportunity, but I don't have the money or the support system. I am tired of finding reasons not to do things, but those reasons seem so compelling. They exist. How can I not find them?
....
Well, this was a whole lot of nothing!
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