Well, I am on the one and only roller coaster of me. Join me, won't you? Admission is free, but you pay with your soul.
This is really only a ride for one. As amazing as I am at emotionally torturing others, I have earned my doctorate in emotionally torturing myself.
Oh, why, oh, why am I so difficult? Sometimes my difficult-ness charms me and I think it is interesting and dynamic, and sometimes I realize that it is just exhausting and irritating, like a trans-Atlantic flight. Perhaps I hold on to it for fear that it is one thing that makes me not boring, when I'm sure it actually is a pretty boring thing about me. Who wants to watch something decompose in on itself? It's not really that interesting. Unless it's some kind of monster that eats itself. But watching something slowly die? No. People change the channel. People pull the plug.
I'm up and down and down and up. Things were better. I was enjoying rehearsals, finding my way through, and even though I have so so so many obstacles to things working out, I had not as of yet had to quit any of the things I was involved in. I was doing ok, for me.
Yet I am just constantly bombarded by these thoughts of failure, mostly generated by seeing some other Toronto based actress who I either casually know, or just casually hate, getting gigs that I am not good enough to get, and then me inevitably comparing myself to said ingenues, who are better than me at everything and should just be made queen already.
I don't know how to measure success without involving someone else and holding myself up to them. I am constantly feeling like I'm not doing enough, that the work I do isn't good enough, isn't important enough, that everyone is somehow always doing better than me.
It's exhausting. These negative thoughts breed like rabbits and fly like buzzards, circling inanely and constantly. I don't know how to hold on to anything good and push away anything negative. I tell myself that if I had something to look forward to I would be ok, if I get this project or that project these feelings will dissolve, but I know that isn't really the case.
Oh man, am I ever good at defeating myself. I totally beat me!
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