Very tired. Very busy. Spread a bit too thin? Maybe.
I spent years doing everything I could to be the good group member, never canceling commitments, except personal ones to friends and family, giving up everything so I could be at rehearsal or whatever. Usually rehearsal. I've given up paying work, social interaction, sleep, health. Art is, of course, a sacrifice, but I think in the past I've gone far beyond the call of duty and headed into the call of insanity.
I used to get angry with other people who were able to say, 'I can't make it, but I expect to still be involved' (never in so many words, of course). They would miss rehearsals that I had killed myself to get to, and they still got to be in the play. They left early, but they were still as much of the team as I was. I got very up on my high horse about how I was dedicated and they weren't, but in the end, it didn't matter.
So I'm trying to take a page out of their book. I'm trying to not get too down on myself when I can't drop everything for my shows. I have a job that I like and I get well paid at and I want to keep it for the whole contract. I have other things in my life that I need to do. I am doing my best, but I'm trying to keep lots of things going, because when work comes along I want to take it! I wish this business wasn't feast or famine, but it is, so I'm eating!
I love when my metaphors are food related.
It's stressful though. In addition to the long days and the no-free-time-which-gives-me-the-crazy, I hate feeling like I"m not a good part of the crew. I am not working enough, and I'm not at various rehearsals enough. I'm definitely not at the gym enough, or seeing friends enough, or cleaning and paying phone bills and getting my glasses fixed enough.
But until I actualy go round the twist, it's a pretty productive way for me to be, so I'm going to fight to keep all these balls up in the air. Hopefully they won't knock me out like eating too much turkey.
I did it again!
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