The Nausea Before The Game

Look at me blog! Two days in a row!

Too bad I have absolutely nothing of value to say.

I'm 'in between' projects right now. And really, I'm in a position of luxury: I am coming off two major and one minor project, and have two major projects coming up (in rapid succession: I keep having anxiety that everything will collapse in a disorganizational muckheap). Plus a far off distant project, and something in the works creation-wise. I have three and a half weeks where all I have to do is work, before I start rehearsing, and then don't stop for eight weeks (unless said muckheap occurs).

But I'm already feeling creatively barren and as if I will never act again. I feel irrelevant. I feel I'm not getting auditions and I'm not moving forward. I feel everyone is getting these auditions and moving forward and their projects are always better than mine and BLAH! I hate not getting auditions! I hate feeling that I'm not even a part of things!

Someone told me at the workshop that I have to get super-specific with the universe, and think about the things I really want and they will happen. I do not believe in The Secret, but I keep trying to do this. The thing is: IT DOES NOT WORK FOR ME. Which is a pretty horrible realization, if it is working for everyone else. The universe says 'Oh, shit, it's Jessica...pretend we're not home'. I thought so hard about getting the Barrie gig, I thought so hard about a few things I auditioned for in the fall, and it did not happen. I did good work for all those things, and I was positive, and it all did not happen.

Hello? Hello?

Yes.

I know that soon I will be super busy and stressed, and maybe while I'm doing those things my projects for fall will materialize, because work begets work, and so it goes. But I want at least ONE contract, paying gig before my contract, paying gig exactly a year from now. That would be absolutely excellent. More would be great. But if I can just get ONE, I will feel good.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, UNIVERSE?