Saturday, October 2, 2010
You're Nothing Without Me
This is not how I am, is it? I'm a nice actor. I think.
I'm also one of the most difficult people of all time. FACT.
I think I treat SMs pretty well, but my rampant temper and insane sensitivity might make that statement a lie. Really I think I'm more difficult to other actors. I appreciate SMs. They are amazing. I can't do any of the things that they do, and when they are good, it is like watching a freaking surgeon fly an eagle. Like, it is that awesome.
Because when I was an SM I cried 90% of the time. Now, of course, I generally cry 90% of the time, but being an SM made that worse because I had to call people. I don't call people. I have tremendous anxiety calling people. So I tried to avoid it. I would call ONE person, and ask them to call other people, and so on. I spent all of rehearsal imagining myself playing all the parts, and working out elaborate fantasies where I would get to play these parts. I ate any edible props before they could be used, and I tasted most of the other props. Essentially, I was the worst stage manager possible.
Here are things you need to be a great stage manager that I do not possess:
1. A cool head.
2. Patience
3. Clip boards and differently colored pens
4. Time management skills
5. The ability to tell people that rehearsal is starting in such a way that the rehearsal then actually starts.
6. A watch that works
Things that I have that make you a bad stage manager:
1. A deep set belief that I play all the parts far better than the actors who are actually playing them.
2. A nervous disposition
3. The habit of answering any problem or potential problem with a fearful look and the exclamation, 'OH NO! WHAT EVER ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!?'
4. A propensity towards losing everything
5. An attitude that often leads me to utter the phrase, 'Pfft. Do it yourself'.
6. No pens.
I really have to make it as a theatre artist, because I am completely unemployable otherwise.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Happy Talky Talky Happy Talk
Well, I've been trying to use this blog as beacon for positivity. I used to do a lot of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, and it never really worked, but I've recently learned that no one likes you when all you do is whine all the time. I have to admit that I am judgmental (it is not something I'm proud of, but is something that is very true), and something that I judge people on, along with the books they read, and the things they say, and the middle of the road comedy shows they think are acceptable things to watch (TWO AND A HALF MEN IS NOT FUNNY), is their complaining levels. So I'm trying to whine less and be happy about good things that might be going on in my life.
But really, I'm not that kind of person. I am not a 'glass half full' person. I am more of a 'glass is made of poison and broken dreams and hates me and is looking at me cock-eyed right now WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT COCK EYED LOOK, GLASS???'
When you're someone who gets sad pretty easily and gets anxious even more easily, being positive feels like physical effort. Like running up a motherfucking hill. Sisyphus styles.
But every now and again I get it into my head that I'm going to be more positive.
Anyway, this is how that cycle goes (I play both parts. In my fantasies, I usually play all the parts. Especially in my Saved by the Bell fantasies):
'Hey, self, let's be positive. Then people will like us and we will attract wonderful things into our life, via the Secret, which I did not read, but did make fun of once upon a time':
'Self, I like that idea! WE WILL BE POSITIVE NOW!'
****POSITIVITY******
'Oh, trees. Trees are nice, right? They give us shade and also bark! Remember taking birch bark when you were a kid and drawing on it? That was kind of fun! Hooray for positive memories!'
'And, you know, if, in this life, I have trees to be grateful for (NOTE: GRATITUDE IS VERY IMPORTANT WHEN YOU ARE BECOMING A POSITIVE PERSON), then maybe it doesn't matter that I don't have an agent and am not doing enough theatre work and maybe I'm not a very good actor at all, I mean, no one ever says I'm that good and I would probably have been at a major theatre by now if I was good so maybe I should just give -'
'OH I MEAN LA LA LA LA LA TREES ARE NIIIIIIICE!'
*****CONCERTED EFFORT AT POSITIVITY********
'Hey, this is going ok! How long has it been?'
'Fifteen minutes?'
'Hm, that's not so long, self. Oh wait, I mean, I HAVE DONE SUPER WELL AT THIS FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES. I AM SO POSITIVE NOW'.
'OH YES EVERYONE IS SUPER HAPPY HERE AND LOOKING AT THINGS IN A NICE LIGHT'.
*****MILD NEGATIVE THOUGHT OR THING HAPPENING IN LIFE*****
'Oh. How horrifically disappointing.'
'You suck.'
'Yeah. NO! Wait. Let's be happy again....kind of....this doesn't mean I ...totally...suck.....'
'Ok, we can still try to be positive, because it's just one bad thing -'
*****SECOND NEGATIVE THOUGHT OR THING HAPPENING IN LIFE*****
'All right, all right, this is a test. I will survive this test, and continue to think positively although I have absolutely nothing to base that on. Really, thinking positive at this moment makes me an idiot, because with everything that's happening, I would be stupid to think anything good would happen. But I'll do it, I'll do it, things are ok, things are ok, things are ok-'
****ONE MORE BAD THING....*******
'NOTHING GOOD WILL EVER HAPPEN AGAIN! BED TIME FOREVER!!!!!'
I then lapse into a cycle of negativity which involves lying in bed all the live long day and watching shows that I don't actually enjoy that much on my computer.
So I go from this:
To this:
To this:
To this:
TO THIS:
And then I watch four hours of The Big Bang Theory online while consuming some combination of savory and sweet things. The Big Bang Theory is not even funny. Sigh. The worst part about this is that this is how I feel most comfortable. I feel like myself when I'm wallowing in pits of despair, expecting anvils to drop on me by some maniacal Wile E. Coyote like character in my midst.
Eventually, enough TV and bed make me feel happy again, or else so frustrated that I have to do something that is NOT TV and bed, and the cycle starts again.
POSITIVITY NOW.
But really, I'm not that kind of person. I am not a 'glass half full' person. I am more of a 'glass is made of poison and broken dreams and hates me and is looking at me cock-eyed right now WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT COCK EYED LOOK, GLASS???'
When you're someone who gets sad pretty easily and gets anxious even more easily, being positive feels like physical effort. Like running up a motherfucking hill. Sisyphus styles.
But every now and again I get it into my head that I'm going to be more positive.
Anyway, this is how that cycle goes (I play both parts. In my fantasies, I usually play all the parts. Especially in my Saved by the Bell fantasies):
'Hey, self, let's be positive. Then people will like us and we will attract wonderful things into our life, via the Secret, which I did not read, but did make fun of once upon a time':
'Self, I like that idea! WE WILL BE POSITIVE NOW!'
****POSITIVITY******
'Oh, trees. Trees are nice, right? They give us shade and also bark! Remember taking birch bark when you were a kid and drawing on it? That was kind of fun! Hooray for positive memories!'
'And, you know, if, in this life, I have trees to be grateful for (NOTE: GRATITUDE IS VERY IMPORTANT WHEN YOU ARE BECOMING A POSITIVE PERSON), then maybe it doesn't matter that I don't have an agent and am not doing enough theatre work and maybe I'm not a very good actor at all, I mean, no one ever says I'm that good and I would probably have been at a major theatre by now if I was good so maybe I should just give -'
'OH I MEAN LA LA LA LA LA TREES ARE NIIIIIIICE!'
*****CONCERTED EFFORT AT POSITIVITY********
'Hey, this is going ok! How long has it been?'
'Fifteen minutes?'
'Hm, that's not so long, self. Oh wait, I mean, I HAVE DONE SUPER WELL AT THIS FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES. I AM SO POSITIVE NOW'.
'OH YES EVERYONE IS SUPER HAPPY HERE AND LOOKING AT THINGS IN A NICE LIGHT'.
*****MILD NEGATIVE THOUGHT OR THING HAPPENING IN LIFE*****
'Oh. How horrifically disappointing.'
'You suck.'
'Yeah. NO! Wait. Let's be happy again....kind of....this doesn't mean I ...totally...suck.....'
'Ok, we can still try to be positive, because it's just one bad thing -'
*****SECOND NEGATIVE THOUGHT OR THING HAPPENING IN LIFE*****
'All right, all right, this is a test. I will survive this test, and continue to think positively although I have absolutely nothing to base that on. Really, thinking positive at this moment makes me an idiot, because with everything that's happening, I would be stupid to think anything good would happen. But I'll do it, I'll do it, things are ok, things are ok, things are ok-'
****ONE MORE BAD THING....*******
'NOTHING GOOD WILL EVER HAPPEN AGAIN! BED TIME FOREVER!!!!!'
I then lapse into a cycle of negativity which involves lying in bed all the live long day and watching shows that I don't actually enjoy that much on my computer.
So I go from this:
To this:
To this:
To this:
TO THIS:
And then I watch four hours of The Big Bang Theory online while consuming some combination of savory and sweet things. The Big Bang Theory is not even funny. Sigh. The worst part about this is that this is how I feel most comfortable. I feel like myself when I'm wallowing in pits of despair, expecting anvils to drop on me by some maniacal Wile E. Coyote like character in my midst.
Eventually, enough TV and bed make me feel happy again, or else so frustrated that I have to do something that is NOT TV and bed, and the cycle starts again.
POSITIVITY NOW.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Help me return to the world of the living, by showing me how to begin.
Instead of just complaining, because that's the kind of mood I'm in, the kind of mood where you just open your mouth and spew forth inane garbage which only proves:
a) how self centered you are
b) how you have no actual problems and are a twat
c) how you have too much time on your hands to invent all these problems
and d) how you have a gigantic fat mouth
INSTEAD of that
because I'm trying to NOT do that
even though I really WANT to do that....
so no, let's just think that there are lots of things to be happy about. Like these guys.
Inspiration.
a) how self centered you are
b) how you have no actual problems and are a twat
c) how you have too much time on your hands to invent all these problems
and d) how you have a gigantic fat mouth
INSTEAD of that
because I'm trying to NOT do that
even though I really WANT to do that....
so no, let's just think that there are lots of things to be happy about. Like these guys.
Inspiration.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Piece by Piece, Only Way to Make a Work of Art
So I did not post the day I meant to, but I went to the Shaw Festival instead, which means I have more things to blog about in future. Which is good. No one reads this, but I still feel devoted to updating it semi-quasi-a bit-regularly. In part because it makes me write, and also because it makes me think about theatre, about the line of work that I'm trying to do and wanting to do, and I can't do it all the time. So thinking and writing about it make me feel somewhat more connected when I don't have a gig. Which is far too often.
Anyway...
Inspiration.
I saw something inspiring when I was in New York. I'm inspired easily, I think, by things that aren't theatre, and rarely in the theatre. This was trancendent.
Ridiculous, real, whimsical, everyday, superb, physical, funny, self-referential, smart, and beyond beyond beyond.
I mean, look at this.
It's from a Cornwall company called Kneehigh Theatre. Their blurb about themselves says they 'tell stories'. I'm sold.
It's a staged version of David Lean's film 'Brief Encounter', which is a film version of Noel Coward's novel 'Still Life'. The movie, which I need to see, is apparently a testament to stiff upper lip British civility and under-acting. The stage version explodes this, and finds ways to manifest the inner world of everyone on stage. Really, its a manifestation of what being in love and doing things you shouldn't feels like.
It's technically very proficient. Fast, clean, great. Everyone onstage plays instruments, is physical, is talented, can sing. All the elements are perfectly in place.
It's incredibly creative. They use music, dance, film, puppets, circus, toys everything at their disposal to tell the story. It is profoundly theatrical, a true celebration of the medium and the possibilities therein.
It's deeply funny and incredibly sad.
And then there are two things that I think make it really special. One is the focus on watching. It takes place in a coffee shop below a train station, where lots of love stories take place and everyone watches them. There are often other actors watching the action, sometimes shyly, sometimes boldly, sometimes participating by making sound effects or contributing music, and sometimes just watching. But the genius of this is that it makes them one of us, one of the audience. This is literally represented by having the characters often sit in the audience, and jump in and out of it. It also incriminates us. We, as much as the other characters, allow everything to happen. We're a part of it.
And then, to further that, they somehow manage to create an amazingly community-like feel. At the end, the actors run to the back of the theatre and play songs for half an hour. They dance with the audience, and ask us if we liked the show. They wink at us during the show, never too much, it never destroys the alternate reality they are creating onstage, but it is a sly joke that lets us in. At the end, an enormous 'Good Night' quilt comes down. I felt like I had been kissed and put to bed. They took care of us. They held our hand and showed us something completely new. They took risks but never took advantage of us.
It's beautiful amazing theatre and I'm furious I didn't create it.
I want to be in it. Its going to Vancouver Playhouse, which is wonderful, and I hope someone who has power in Toronto theatre has the brilliant idea to get the rights to it and DO IT HERE. And then lets me be in it.
Because its beautiful. And it reminded me of why I want to be in theatre.
Jesus.
Anyway...
Inspiration.
I saw something inspiring when I was in New York. I'm inspired easily, I think, by things that aren't theatre, and rarely in the theatre. This was trancendent.
Ridiculous, real, whimsical, everyday, superb, physical, funny, self-referential, smart, and beyond beyond beyond.
I mean, look at this.
It's from a Cornwall company called Kneehigh Theatre. Their blurb about themselves says they 'tell stories'. I'm sold.
It's a staged version of David Lean's film 'Brief Encounter', which is a film version of Noel Coward's novel 'Still Life'. The movie, which I need to see, is apparently a testament to stiff upper lip British civility and under-acting. The stage version explodes this, and finds ways to manifest the inner world of everyone on stage. Really, its a manifestation of what being in love and doing things you shouldn't feels like.
It's technically very proficient. Fast, clean, great. Everyone onstage plays instruments, is physical, is talented, can sing. All the elements are perfectly in place.
It's incredibly creative. They use music, dance, film, puppets, circus, toys everything at their disposal to tell the story. It is profoundly theatrical, a true celebration of the medium and the possibilities therein.
It's deeply funny and incredibly sad.
And then there are two things that I think make it really special. One is the focus on watching. It takes place in a coffee shop below a train station, where lots of love stories take place and everyone watches them. There are often other actors watching the action, sometimes shyly, sometimes boldly, sometimes participating by making sound effects or contributing music, and sometimes just watching. But the genius of this is that it makes them one of us, one of the audience. This is literally represented by having the characters often sit in the audience, and jump in and out of it. It also incriminates us. We, as much as the other characters, allow everything to happen. We're a part of it.
And then, to further that, they somehow manage to create an amazingly community-like feel. At the end, the actors run to the back of the theatre and play songs for half an hour. They dance with the audience, and ask us if we liked the show. They wink at us during the show, never too much, it never destroys the alternate reality they are creating onstage, but it is a sly joke that lets us in. At the end, an enormous 'Good Night' quilt comes down. I felt like I had been kissed and put to bed. They took care of us. They held our hand and showed us something completely new. They took risks but never took advantage of us.
It's beautiful amazing theatre and I'm furious I didn't create it.
I want to be in it. Its going to Vancouver Playhouse, which is wonderful, and I hope someone who has power in Toronto theatre has the brilliant idea to get the rights to it and DO IT HERE. And then lets me be in it.
Because its beautiful. And it reminded me of why I want to be in theatre.
Jesus.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
There's the bold, brave spring of the tiger that quickens your walk.
I went to New York.
I love New York.
I feel that city feeds me in a way that is probably mostly in my head, created through too many tv shows and movie musicals that mythologized the place.
I thought a lot about commitment and how important it is in the work.
There was an amazing installation at the MoMA. Created by Yoko Ono, it is a microphone (which is not on) in a pretty empty gallery room. There are instructions on the wall that tell you to scream against the wind, against the world...whatever. I watched this for a long time. It was fascinating. It was a fascinating reminder that it is interesting to watch people be COMMITTED. People who actually screamed, who went up, and knew what they were going to do and did it, were wonderful to watch. Everything else was a disappointment. The people who got up and made a joke of it, the people who got up and expected the mic to carry them, the people who only kind of did it, this is not interesting. What is interesting is the people who commit. When someone goes up and really did it, everyone would applaud, and it would start a rush of people going up and screaming themselves. It invigorated the entire space and everyone in it. When someone made a joke of it, the momentum died.
So important to remember.
IT IS SO INTERESTING TO WATCH SOMEONE REALLY DO SOMETHING.
And on that note, I saw 'La Cage Aux Folles' on Broadway, and while there was amazing work from the Cagelles and Douglas Hodge had lots of good moments as Albin, Kelsey Grammar as Georges was a reminder that commitment is what I want to see.
He seemed so uncomfortable, didn't finish his movements...ugh. He didn't seem to want to be there. How could he not be? Come on, Frasier! You're on Broadway! BE on Broadway!
Maybe he needed some tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
And tomorrow I will talk about one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had in a theatre.
I love New York.
I feel that city feeds me in a way that is probably mostly in my head, created through too many tv shows and movie musicals that mythologized the place.
I thought a lot about commitment and how important it is in the work.
There was an amazing installation at the MoMA. Created by Yoko Ono, it is a microphone (which is not on) in a pretty empty gallery room. There are instructions on the wall that tell you to scream against the wind, against the world...whatever. I watched this for a long time. It was fascinating. It was a fascinating reminder that it is interesting to watch people be COMMITTED. People who actually screamed, who went up, and knew what they were going to do and did it, were wonderful to watch. Everything else was a disappointment. The people who got up and made a joke of it, the people who got up and expected the mic to carry them, the people who only kind of did it, this is not interesting. What is interesting is the people who commit. When someone goes up and really did it, everyone would applaud, and it would start a rush of people going up and screaming themselves. It invigorated the entire space and everyone in it. When someone made a joke of it, the momentum died.
So important to remember.
IT IS SO INTERESTING TO WATCH SOMEONE REALLY DO SOMETHING.
And on that note, I saw 'La Cage Aux Folles' on Broadway, and while there was amazing work from the Cagelles and Douglas Hodge had lots of good moments as Albin, Kelsey Grammar as Georges was a reminder that commitment is what I want to see.
He seemed so uncomfortable, didn't finish his movements...ugh. He didn't seem to want to be there. How could he not be? Come on, Frasier! You're on Broadway! BE on Broadway!
Maybe he needed some tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
And tomorrow I will talk about one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had in a theatre.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I Am My Own Best Friend
So I likely won't have a project before I get to go here to do this.
Which is great, so I am great-ful, and that is ok to go so long without acting, right? RIGHT??
BUT I have come to a conclusion which perfectly combines my loves of both madness and sanity.
I'm not going to be given an opportunity, but, as I learned because the Global Reality Channel has been reshowing seasons 1 and 2 of The Apprentice and I have been watching because I love The Apprentice and, as we have learned, I have no projects, I CAN SEIZE OPPORTUNITY.
I have to do my own shit.
Doing my own shit seems fantastic at 10:42 on a Tuesday evening when I lie in bed and have lots of energy. It never seems so good at all other times of the day.
I have lots of skills I want to learn to be a more marketable actor, and I have lots of things I want to write so that I can become a more diversified artist, and also things I want to write so that I can show everyone how great an actor I am and how they should cast me all the time, all the time, all the time. But its hard to motivate myself to do those things.
I like the structure of an external project. Then I have rehearsals, and that gives my whole week structure. Even having just one kind of busy day makes the whole week seem useful to me. But that's not coming right now. It would be nice, but it's not.
So it's on me.
I don't know how to get disciplined about this kind of thing. Left to my own devices, I routinely get really depressed and watch entire seasons of The Apprentice on the Global Reality Channel. I want to write, and learn the ukulele, and to juggle, and all that, but then The Office comes on and, the best laid plans of mice and men....
OPTIMISM.
DETERMINATION.
FEROCITY.
Yup.
Which is great, so I am great-ful, and that is ok to go so long without acting, right? RIGHT??
BUT I have come to a conclusion which perfectly combines my loves of both madness and sanity.
I'm not going to be given an opportunity, but, as I learned because the Global Reality Channel has been reshowing seasons 1 and 2 of The Apprentice and I have been watching because I love The Apprentice and, as we have learned, I have no projects, I CAN SEIZE OPPORTUNITY.
I have to do my own shit.
Doing my own shit seems fantastic at 10:42 on a Tuesday evening when I lie in bed and have lots of energy. It never seems so good at all other times of the day.
I have lots of skills I want to learn to be a more marketable actor, and I have lots of things I want to write so that I can become a more diversified artist, and also things I want to write so that I can show everyone how great an actor I am and how they should cast me all the time, all the time, all the time. But its hard to motivate myself to do those things.
I like the structure of an external project. Then I have rehearsals, and that gives my whole week structure. Even having just one kind of busy day makes the whole week seem useful to me. But that's not coming right now. It would be nice, but it's not.
So it's on me.
I don't know how to get disciplined about this kind of thing. Left to my own devices, I routinely get really depressed and watch entire seasons of The Apprentice on the Global Reality Channel. I want to write, and learn the ukulele, and to juggle, and all that, but then The Office comes on and, the best laid plans of mice and men....
OPTIMISM.
DETERMINATION.
FEROCITY.
Yup.
Monday, September 6, 2010
In daylights, In sunsets, In midnights, In cups of coffee...
Summer's over, by one measure (NO MORE WHITE SHOES!).
And by the somewhat more accurate measure of the leaves turning.
Let's take stock, shall we?
Shows I was in this summer: 2
Performances Given: 31 (23 of one, 8 of another)
Performances Cancelled Due to Weather: 1 completely, 3 somewhere in between intermission and the end.
Performances Cancelled Due to Violin-Related Mishaps: 1
Number of parks performed in: 15
Drum Circles Caught in the Middle Of: 1
Injuries: 1 sprained ankle, 2 sprained fingers
Scrapes and Bruises: Innumerable
Mosquito Bites: Infinite
Sunburns: Two, but very minor and confined to small, although inconvenient areas. This was cause for great joy, for me and my Irish heritage.
Jewellery Lost: 1 earring (damn), 1 barrette.
Times Urinated Outdoors: 3
Times Urinated in very Questionable Bathrooms, where the outdoors probably would have been a better place to pee: 20 (approx.)
Scariest thing seen in public bathroom: 'Finger', scrawled in child-like printing with what was certainly some form of bodily liquid.
Costume changes: 3 between 2 shows.
Times changed in open air: 3 times a night for WITCH of edmonton
Bags that a Dog Peed On: 1 that I know of
Dogs Befriended: Countless
Favorite Dog: Troilus from Montgomery's Inn
Favorite Audience Member: Annabelle from Mississauga
Jobs maintained while doing all this: 1, plus occasional babysitting
Word.
Let's find a new project, shall we? Come on, fall. You're not my favorite season for nothing, are you?
And by the somewhat more accurate measure of the leaves turning.
Let's take stock, shall we?
Shows I was in this summer: 2
Performances Given: 31 (23 of one, 8 of another)
Performances Cancelled Due to Weather: 1 completely, 3 somewhere in between intermission and the end.
Performances Cancelled Due to Violin-Related Mishaps: 1
Number of parks performed in: 15
Drum Circles Caught in the Middle Of: 1
Injuries: 1 sprained ankle, 2 sprained fingers
Scrapes and Bruises: Innumerable
Mosquito Bites: Infinite
Sunburns: Two, but very minor and confined to small, although inconvenient areas. This was cause for great joy, for me and my Irish heritage.
Jewellery Lost: 1 earring (damn), 1 barrette.
Times Urinated Outdoors: 3
Times Urinated in very Questionable Bathrooms, where the outdoors probably would have been a better place to pee: 20 (approx.)
Scariest thing seen in public bathroom: 'Finger', scrawled in child-like printing with what was certainly some form of bodily liquid.
Costume changes: 3 between 2 shows.
Times changed in open air: 3 times a night for WITCH of edmonton
Bags that a Dog Peed On: 1 that I know of
Dogs Befriended: Countless
Favorite Dog: Troilus from Montgomery's Inn
Favorite Audience Member: Annabelle from Mississauga
Jobs maintained while doing all this: 1, plus occasional babysitting
Word.
Let's find a new project, shall we? Come on, fall. You're not my favorite season for nothing, are you?
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