Better Run Along Home and Avoid the Collision

Tomorrow I start a project that is the scariest thing I've done since the last project.

They're scary in different ways. I'm just an actor in this one, which is both more exposing and less exposing than being the actor and playwright, I'm finding. This is probably on a bigger scale than almost anything I've done. Maybe Tout Comme Elle was similar, but there were lots of other people in that one, to insulate me.

I'm scared of everything, because I am whatever the opposite of the honey badger is. I give an enormous shit about EVERYTHING and live in perpetual fear.

So I'm basically ill with nerves, as we could all predict. I have a general malaise and a very specific tummy ache.

Starting new things is still really terrifying, and I don't know, at this point, if that's going away. I feel now that I've done things a few times there's more pressure, because you want to keep climbing, and because I've had the opportunity to do a few professional plays, I always feel like if I mess up, someone's going to pop up and snatch that away. In the beginning of all the things I do I feel like its' probably the last time I'll ever do it. And having had the taste of doing it once will mean that I can never forget it and will have to wear a wedding dress and skulk hallways mourning my potential for the rest of my days (should I read more Dickens? Probably).

I think that's a contributing factor in my general bad attitude and all-consuming sadness, probably? Who knows. I am not a doctor. I can barely read.

But seriously, if it doesn't go away, that would be terrible. Does that feeling mean that I'm in the wrong career? Maybe my complete lack of talent means I'm in the wrong career....hm.

Anyway, I'm really really nervous and hoping that I'll be not terrible, but it is still a really cool thing I will be able to say I got to do and that is super exciting and great, if I could pay more attention to that it would far outweigh the nerves, but I am just in that nervy place right now.

I'm super excited to have some structure for my day and I'm hoping that it will make me an efficiency/productivity machine. There are quite a few projects that I just want to have HAPPEN FOR GOD'S SAKE, and because no one is interested in giving me money or space to do them, or helping me with them, I have to do them all by myself. So efficiency and productivity are needed, and I am hoping that being a busy bee will encourage them along.

Ha ha ha, that was a good one, I will of course, continue to watch Survivor and New Girl all day long and leave the succeeding and interacting with real people to my fantasy self, who is doing awesome, thanks for asking.