THAT'S THE WORD FOR TODAY!
Not really. Today has been a proliferation (I am using that word incorrectly, I'm sure) of first world-type problems. Not even, it has been problems of TOO MUCH GOOD FORTUNE.
Which sounds stupid, shut up Jessica stupid-face, but is also really frustrating.
Everyone always says that this is how acting goes, feast to famine, and then there is a surplus of work and you can't take it all. This has happened to me before, I had to turn down the first paying job I was ever offered because I had committed to doing a Shakespeare show for no money, and conflicts are always there, blah blah blah. But today I had my two highest profile things clash. And I really want to do them both, and I can't.
I just worry because I'm not good at handling the business side of stuff at all, I'm not good at organizing and making people happy. I always cause trouble and it's usually because I'm trying so hard to be good and to not make waves that I make TSUNAMIS.
Over-exaggeration. Hubris. FACT!
I just don't want to cause trouble, but I am, and I don't know how to fix it. I'm terrible at figuring out how to be at two places at once, and knowing what thing is more important than what other thing. It makes me very stressed out and I always come back to this idea that I'm going to be fired and thrown onto some kind of burning pyre. I am so lucky to have a conflict, to have more than one company be interested in my terrible work, but I just wish it would work out. I also wish I had an agent because then I wouldn't have to make phone calls and tell people my schedule, which are two of the things that I hate the most.
And because I am also crazy, I just signed on to write a play in two weeks, set in this room:
Why? I don't know. Because I really want to. But I now have to write a play, rehearse and tech my one woman show, rehearse a fringe show, start rehearsals for a contract, and turn down a workshop that I would KILL to do, because of conflicts.
The play is for this, which is great, and I'm really glad I can be involved in some way, because I can't act this year. However, the project hit me today. Shit. A 14 minute play? Oh crap. Here's me realizing what I have to do:
Here's how I'm going to deal with it:
I don't know!I guess I'll write something, and I think it is good, because I want so badly to start being a writer, and sadly, the only way to do that is to write. Much like the only way to be a 'doctor' is to go to 'med school', or the only way to be a 'pirate' is to 'sail the seven seas'. Not really though, through my ridiculous job I have found that you can just IMPERSONATE these people onstage by wearing vague facsimiles of their clothing items, and speaking dialogue that someone else thinks up for you in broad accents with sweeping hand gesture. That's how I have had the chance to be a servant, a pirate, a caterpillar, a Queen, a lesbian, an alcoholic, a prostitute, a nun, a soldier, and a wolf.
But for writing I have to do it, because when I do it, then the writing exists, and I can JUDGE it, and one day when I have confidence and friends to read it, other people can JUDGE it, and from that JUDGEMENT it will become better and one day be a play that other people will perform and I will feel like I accomplished something and can go back to just watching funny videos all day long.
Argh. It's scary and overwhelming, and I'm grateful for it, but I'm also scared and overwhelmed.
Last night my friend Morgan and I were talking like non-English speaking actors:
I do pretend job in clothes not mine?
Me act hard now, you pay pitiful sum, yes?
I speak words in funny voice, others stare from chairs?
Speak the words, I pray you, trippingly on the tongue?
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