(I really loved how in 'Ratatouille', the critic was named Anton Ego. First of all, that is a great name, both parts of it are equally perfect. It makes such perfect sense, as well as being almost onomatopoeically wonderful. Such a fun, and clever name. Such a fun and clever movie).
Anyway, my ego is almost as bad as this scary looking cartoon creation. Ugh. Maybe I should start picturing my ego in this way. It will make me hate myself, but will likely encourage me to get over myself, and not pay attention to this unfortunate aspect of my personality, yes?
My ego's being threatened right now because a) I'm not doing great as an actor right now, because I'm not in anything and I'm struggling to remember that I actually do, on occasion, perform in shows, and b) I'm nervous about the things I have coming up.
People tell me that all social anxiety and anxiety in general is related to ego, the idea that you are more important than you actually are, because you think people care about you or are watching you, when in reality no one really does. This is always a very upsetting statement when you're already feeling anxious, and it's true in part, but I don't think it's a completely accurate idea. I just want to do well, and I want people to like me.
I have an ego, and it flips wildly back and forth between telling me that I deserve things and am entitled and am smarter than everyone else, and telling me that I should give everything up and take an office job where no one notices me ever because I am useless and have nothing to offer.
I have two big ensemble shows coming up, and I'm quite terrified about them (I'm a little excited too, but mostly really scared). In big shows like these, it's an interesting balance about how important you are. On one hand, you have to blend in, you have to not cause trouble because there are so many people and things to deal with (and man, do I love to cause trouble), and be a cog in the machine, to a certain extent. This is often difficult when I want to be the STAR and have a hard time wondering why people need to cast other actors, because I could just play all the parts. But, you can't let go of your ego to think you aren't important, because you still have to be present and generous and totally loving your part. Even if it isn't what you want to be doing. Ego battle.
It's a lot like Bottom in Midsummer, but I really think that Bottom is a wonderful character who just has so much love for performing and life and his friends that he wants to be a part of everything. I don't think it's all him just wanting to talk all the time: it's about an inherent joy in doing. I try to justify my overwhelming urge to get onstage by explaining it like that to myself. I'm not an egomaniac....I'm just genuinely overcome by a love of the theatre.
Plus, I'm an egomaniac.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
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