Her Ups, Her Downs, Are Second Nature To Me Now.

So on Tuesday I had an audition and I was:


And then I had a reading and I was:


And now I have been thinking about this audition, which is something you are very much not supposed to do as an actor, you're supposed to let it go when you leave the room, but when have I ever let anything go in my entire life, I am still mad at people who kicked me in the shins playing field hockey in grade 8 (you know who you are).

So I'm back to being kind of:


The audition really was fine, from an acting perspective. I worked hard on it, and I went in and did what I had to do. What I was not so much the best at was the whole being charming and delightful and selling myself as much as I need to. I don't have an agent. I am a one woman pimp show. I have to do it all myself. And I didn't really do that. I was super nervous. It's hard going in and auditioning when you think the person doesn't like you so much. And I let it get to me.

Plus they saw a million people, so as much as I want to beat myself up for it, I also have to think that, realistically, I probably just blended into the crowd a whole bunch. Still disappointing. Bt really, what can you do in that situation?

It's just always horrible to really want something, and to know that you'd be good at it, and then to not get it. It's a horrible part of the job, and it's most of the job. It's still hurtful every time.

And then I went and did a reading, and it was wonderful, I got lots of positive feedback, and I am a pitiful sucker for an ego stock. Plus, I love doing little things like that, it makes me feel like acting really is my job and my life, and then when I get PAID it is all the more gratifying.

So after I was kind of like this:


It is undeniably uncouth to post pictures of yourself gleefully holding profit. Just be thankful I spared you pictures of me throwing it in the air and swimming in it like Scrooge McDuck.


Because it definitely happened.

Yes, yes, the money's very gratifying.

So of course, in my fashion, a la mode, I have been on a roller coaster of feeling successful and like a failure. Par for the course! I'm hoping I'll be YAY again soon. But who knows? I'm so gosh darn unpredictable. In the most predictable way.