I am working to try and find joy and gratitude amongst anxiety and fear. I am super good at anxiety and fear. I am also good at swearing, eating cheeseburgers, watching 'Survivor', resentment, remembering painful memories, hatred, and walking on my heels. I am not great at being happy. I am very happy. I am extremely honoured and glad to be a part of this show. But I'm also mostly scared.
Everyone tells me actors learn to live with fear, and honestly, I'm not sure that I can do that. I have so much to fear: my solitude, my failure, bear attacks....I don't know if I can handle my career being compromised mostly of it.
Maybe I'm really brave, because bravery is having fear and doing it anyway, and I, on occasion, do things. Or I at least try to do them.
I'm doing it. Or trying. I really am. But I am hoping that this fear goes away: both on this project and in general. And I don't know if I can make peace with it if it does not.
A lot of this fear, for this project, is about doubt. The play is tricky, so I don't always know what I'm doing. I'm green, so I don't always know what I'm doing. And so I have doubt. About myself. And my future. And my abilities. UGGGHHHHHHGHGGHGHGHGGHGHGHGHGH. What a sick profession!
I am writing a play that I'm not in (which, honestly right now seems so dumb, because I feel like I'll never be cast in anything ever, so I have to start writing some good shit for myself), and the first 40 pages of it were read last night and that was scary, but good. I thought I was out of love with the play, and while it's not my usual thing (no trap doors! no musical numbers! WHERE ARE THE FIREWORKS?), I think there might be maybe a tiny bit of almost potential. It was helpful to just hear it. Yup. Do the work. It sets you free. It's so much better than the anxiety. But the anxiety is so much easier, in a weirdish way.
I'm effing sick of those 'Keep Calm and Carry On' variations, but..that's what I'm going to do.
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