So the thing that I couldn't talk about is still something that I can't talk about but it is GOOD and something GOOD came out of it!
So we're HAPPY!
Oh wait, that's not happy. That's frustration and puzzlement. Sometimes I get confused. AND THEN I GET FURIOUS!
THAT'S HAPPY!
That's also a terrible picture of me, but a damn good one of the bird. My camera is still broken, can you tell? These pictures are stock Jessica photos. That bird was heavy and had the sharpest claws. And yet he was obviously something of a delight!
I'm trying to be proud and happy about it, but that's hard for me. It still feels like things aren't happening enough, and now, and I want something to do nooowwwwwwww. But I'll start rehearsals for Twelfth Night with Humber River soon.
Whenever something kind of cool happens for me in the industry it feels like a victory for the underdog everywhere. It reminds me that things can really happen if you work hard, even though it takes so much rejection to get there. But the rejection is constant! Like I have something cool that is going to happen, and then I get rejected from some non-paying, one day affair that I didn't even audition for, and I still feel bad!
And then I get sad.
Oh why oh why must I have all the emotions at once?
1) My camera broke, and I think this blog is boring without pictures. My pictures are pretty terrible, but at least they are something, right? As much as I get so bored uploading pictures, I don't like my blog without pictures.
2) I am not doing anything that is related to acting right now, so I dont' think I have anything legitimately to say.
3) I don't FEEL like an actor right now, so all I want to do is whine.
Blah blah blah I go, all day long.
So I will buy a camera soon! And then take pictures!
I'm trying to make things happen, and little things are, I did another Sea Change for these awesome guys. I read this guy's play throat again. I love that play. It's lovely to read it. And I have things that I should be writing, although I don't have deadlines and I have the unfortunate habit of judging my writing before I finish it, which leads me to never complete any writing. This is a bad habit. I have so many writing bad habits! It is a wonder I'm even writing this!
And rehearsals will start soon, and I will find a project sooner rather than later, I know, I know, I know. I"m just terrible when I have nothing to love. I am like Elmyra in that way.
Well maybe Elmyra is worse when she has something to love. At least to the things she loves. Whatever, the analogy may not work, but I think we can all agree that Tiny Toons is amazing, even when reducing various cultures to mindless stereotypes and ripping off Walt Disney.
I've been seeing lots of theatre, which is good, I guess, but I am not seeing all of it and then I feel like, 'what am I seeing?' It's hard going to shows. It's such a nebulous tension with the community, knowing people and knowing they don't know me, seeing people who definitely know me and them not talking to me, it all feels very mindlessly political, like no one actually wants to be causing all this drama and we're all just here to see plays, but that things end up being political anyway. Accidental drama. I guess because we are all in the business of creating that, it is good that we are good at manufacturing it in our own lives. I have been accused of projecting things lately. I'm positive that I do, but it still isn't nice to be accused of anything.
J'ACCUSE!
Maybe there is no drama, maybe just no one cares about anyone, but that's sad in its own way, isn't it? That things just happen and there is no feeling behind anything.
Ok, so for next time, I am going to think of something really great to blog about in regards to my theatre 'career', and then I'll blog about it!
I had the scary thing. And it was ok. Not perfect. And I am agonizing over all the many ways in which it was not perfect. I have to move on and not think about it. I have to go Streisand all over that shit. Because you can only die once, right? Not true. You can die a million times a day, they might just not all kill you.
But overall, I think it was good. I'm trying to be objective and honest with myself, and as much as I'm obsessing, I think, overall, it was good. I was in the room for about seven minutes. It goes so quick. It's so much work for a minute that can never be perfect. I'm proud of myself but also mad at myself. But really, I was honest, I was prepared, and I did what I could, and that's all I can ever do, right?
I talked a lot to my friend who was talking about confidence. About going into the room and feeling like you earned the right to be there. That's difficult, and it's not permanent. But I did feel I earned my shot. And I took it.
AND NOW I CAN JUST BE ANXIOUS. Until Mr. Arnstein notices me!
Now I need a new project. What can I worry about now??????
Ok, so I have nothing to say. I just wanted to have a post on the first day of the year. I felt that would bode well for some reason. It does, right? Like...it bodes, at least. Maybe not well. But boding is better than not boding. Or foreboding. That's the worst!
I had such great plans and I thought they would start today but they're totally not starting today. Probably not tomorrow either. Let's hope for Monday.
The thing I can't talk about is tomorrow and it's scary. I really hope I can do it. I know I'm ready for it, it's just whether I prove that. It means a lot. Ay yi yi. I can do it. And if I can't, it won't be the end of the world. I hope. Argh. But I'll do it, so we don't need to worry about that.
Anyway....this is the most inspiring thing I know, in a lot of ways, so we can all watch it and cry at the constant spirit of the human race, and how we can all be bonded in ways that seem insignificant but strike to the quick of what we all need from the world. Oh....you're not crying?....Just me then? .....ok.
