You Got to Have a Dream, If You Don't Have a Dream, How You Gonna Have a Dream Come True?

So I'm having, as usual, an enormous amount of anxiety about all things. That I'm not good enough, that I'm ruining everything, that no one likes me and that this is the last thing I'll ever do. Blah blah blah, Anxiety and Apple Juice, the Jessica Moss Story.

I'm definitely a very small fish in a very big pond, and on one hand that's amazing, because I am learning so much, and I have to step up and hopefully being scared and being pushed is going to make me a better actor. And that's the goal, I want to be an actor, and I want to be a good actor, if that's at all possible, so

But it's also pretty nervewracking....as we know I turn everything into anxiety, so I have been just a little anxiety factory for the last few days. Does this get easier? Can I handle it if it doesn't?

However...there was a moment today where I looked at the room I went in and went, 'Shiiiiiiiit'. And I was kind of like this on the inside:

(Obviously, this was supposed to look joyful and eeeee, and just looks like I am having a fit).

Because, like, I'm lucky! And this really is a dream that I had and I'm getting to do it, and maybe that will mean in the end my dream is broken, but I've had a lot of dreams that didn't come true at all, so maybe I'll just try and be happy that this one did, even if not the way I thought it would. Or whatever.

I'm working on it. Happiness is hard for me, ok? I'm much better at cowering and tears.

Confidence, confidence, fake it until you make it, don't let them see you sweat, breathe. Right? Maybe I should pay someone to yell inspirational slogans at me for a while. No, I would almost certainly burst immediately into tears if that happened. It would be a disaster. I don't like loud voices unless they're mine, and I'd be sure to misread the situation as conflict and either flee from it like a bunny or charge into it horns first like a bull.

Trying to be simpler and at the same time interesting, and open and at the same time confident, and myself and at the same time better than myself. Maybe I should give all that up and just do shit, but....I haven't figured that out yet.

It's only day 3.