Ma Nature's Lyrical with her Yearly Miracle

We had our last day in our space....

Now we are moved into the thee-ah-tah.

Change is terrifying but so is stasis, especially in acting. Embrace, embrace. Going through moments, after three weeks of work, where I look at myself and go, 'What am I doing? What is this about?' So many things I'm realizing. Tricky.

This is Buddy and he's in charge.

Our room was lovely and bright and the theatre is, still lovely, but distinctly not bright. What a strange thing it is, to walk into these darkened rooms and expect enlightenment. But it's what I do all day. What a weird duck. No wonder I'm not married.

Amazingly, moving on to the set feels like moving home. The play belongs there. This is good.

It's still scary though. This play is about identity, what you make yourself and why you make yourself that thing and the identities that we cling to and the identities we push away for ourselves. The acting in real life, I suppose. What we are pretending to be living so that we don't have to feel the pain of what life is. Which, to me, strikes so clearly at the feeling of being fraudulent.

I felt extraordinarily fraudulent when I was in academia, just that I had no clue what was going on and was to be found out at any minute. Everyone was so smart and I was so very dumb. And really, this is the same. Everyone is so talented and creative and I am still the chorus girl who is in the play out of pity. What I understand about the play, or what I'm doing, is one fraction of the possibility that's there, and one fraction of what the audience might see. There's so much more to find and to know and to show. Everyone must be able to see this weakness in me. I still feel like I'm about to be found out at any minute. Going into the theatre heightens this. I pretend to be a person worthy of this show and this theatre. I act as if my heart isn't jumping out of my chest. I find the identity of who I am in a given room and put it on like a sweater.

I wonder if this stops. Ever.

This play is also about spring. Which it is today.