Apparently, I've been missing out, because performing outdoor Shakespeare in Miserysauga is awesome.
This place definitely wins the cutest kids award. Oh man. Oh man. A little girl called Annabelle yesterday was totally into the show. She liked it because 'I could see how you felt on the inside by what you were doing on the outside'. Genius child. Today there were all these chubby babies. I love me some chubby babies. And lots of people! Both nights. I think our biggest houses, but I am not good at either counting or estimating the number of people in a given area, so that is a ridiculous statement coming from me, Mr. Magoo.
But unfortunately, tonight we got rained out. Boo. So close to the end. Such a bummer. It's weird losing the show like that. Leaves a weird taste in my mouth.
Kaleb didn't seem to mind, though.
This is what a rainy audience looks like.
I think I'm very tired and starting to fade. I don't want to show it, but there it is. I start to wonder if I don't love acting the way that I'm supposed to, and that scares me, because I do not have the talent or the looks required for this industry, but I do have a ferocity and a desire to be in the industry so badly that I keep tearing away at it like a wolf on a deer carcass (Note to self: improve metaphors). Sometimes. Sometimes I think I should bake pies for a living and watch The View every single day. I don't know if it's normal on a project this long to start getting tired. I still feel like I'm finding things, there are parts of the show that I enjoy doing and watching, but it's definitely more of a job. It goes back and forth between being a job and being a passion.
I'm terrified to say that because I feel someone will come down, Deus Ex Machina, and say, 'Well, you don't love it enough, so you're out'. But lots of people who don't love it very much are very successful. And I think I love it, most of the time. I think? Once again, I don't know what I want. Not all the time.
I take things very personally which means it's hard for me not to get demoralized in this business. When the work is not about achieving perfection, but continually reaching for it in different ways, which is the way I want to work, then you get notes and thoughts and reactions that indicate someways are better than others. One of the more delightful contradictions about me is that though I love to work this way, I am an absolutist and also want things to just be flat out good or bad. And I tend to look at things that way: if I get notes, I'm doing a bad job.
I've started feeling for some reason that I'm doing a bad job, and when that happens, I lose my heart. I don't know where it goes. It falls out the bottom of my feet and it is all I can do to just plow forward. That's when I piss people off, that's when I'm called 'difficult', and 'moody' and 'snobbish'. I am all of those things and none of those things. Oh man, I am impossible.
So my heart is the slightest bit gone and I don't know what that means. Maybe it will come back to me. That's nice. When I love theatre, I love it in a way that I fear I'm incapable of loving or being loved by a human being. I love it in a way that feels more like a relationship than any relationship I've ever had. It is so impossibly good there is nothing else.
But the rest of the time? I don't know.
I do know that we have 9 more shows. So we'll see if I find my heart tomorrow. Like a finding machine finds things in a finding lot (Note to self: nice).
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