Then Mantua...

Holy gong-show, Batman.

There are some times when I just realize I am not a very good actor at all. That I am really just the 15 year old who started acting to meet boys and receive some attention and all I do is get up and run around and yell and make faces. Tonight was one of those times.

Confidence is such a fragile thing. It breaks more easily than my heart. AWWWWW!!!!!! I am precious and clever.

We did the show tonight in an indoor venue about 1/4 the size of our normal playing space. Awesome. An hour and a half later than we normally do. Wicked. At a Raspberry Social. Bring it.




The best part about a Raspberry Social are the Raspberries.

Judging by the motto of the place we performed, I will likely never be asked back.

I had, by far, my worst show. So far. Jesus H. Christ, I was a bad actor tonight. I was trying so desperately to figure out how to work in the new space that just absolutely nothing worked for me. I lost everything. I don't know what happened. I was like a 4 year old up there. How embarrassing.

Weird timing tonight, so many different things. Quiet audience. Blargh. I'm frustrated that I wasn't able to cope better. I don't know why.


I will have to recover from this horrific show and I'm not sure how to, other than just to go and do something tomorrow night. Something like tonight, but not quite. Better, except I don't know how to be better, it is not a quality I can define. How can I become a better actor when I don't even know what a good actor is? Half of the time I don't know what I like, in myself or others. And then when I know, I don't always know why, or even know if I really know that I like things. Oi.

I've been having lots of conversations about what I want right now, and while I do think, for the most part, I know what it is, I don't have any confidence that what I want is right. I'm such a little girl sometimes. I guess the fact that I don't really know who I am, or, more accurately, that who I am changes every ten minutes, means that it's hard to know what's right for me in the long run. I have images of what I want and they are so strong, but maybe I'm chasing something that isn't even in line with the person I really am. Because I don't know if I've even met that chick yet.

I'm confused and tired, and thank the Lord that I have another morning off tomorrow because otherwise I would collapse in tears, except it will go ever so quickly and then it will be gone forever.