When I'm free to be whatever I want to be, Think what wonders I'll accomplish then!

I didn't die!!!

But I haven't done much of anything else either.....hmmm......

I have been on a fun mission lately! I'm just trying to have fun. I never have fun ever so this is a good job for me, in that it is challenging but also FUN! I was doing pretty good for a few days, I kept LEAVING THE HOUSE, and SEEING HUMAN BEINGS, and we did things like LAUGHING and LOOKING AT OTHER HUMAN BEINGS PRETEND TO BE EVEN OTHER HUMAN BEINGS and DRINKING and EATING.

And it turns out that I like all of those things, for the most part.

And then I kind of crashed and wasn't so much having fun anymore. I saw someone who threatens me and started feeling threatened and sad and like a failure. I'm kind of there right now. I'm vaguely panicky. And there isn't any reason to be. Well, of course there is, there's radiation in Japan and killer bees and the sun's rays which are secretly poison and the fact that I don't really have a job or a direction in life or anything. But really there isn't any reason to be vaguely panicky...because those things are just the way that things are.

For some reason I am kind of feeling like an actor even though I have not done anything since Alice in Wonderland (oh that was fun) and won't do anything until Tout Comme Elle and have had a few auditions for non-paying type things and haven't done well at all. Mostly I think I have been doing good auditions and there are just no parts for me, a student film told me they ended up choosing someone who is 50 (and I am not 50 WOOT! I think this is more good than bad. Not that 50 isn't awesome, I just think it would be more awesome to get there then suddenly be there. Although I'm sure it feels like that anyway), and that I was great but too young. Ok. And another thing had very few female parts and a few were promised away. And that is disappointing but how it goes and I have good stuff coming up anyway. So maybe that is how I am able to not feel like a non-actor even with all the non-acting I have managed to do lately.

I had an audition yesterday for another thing that really has no parts for me (awesome), and that went great and I'm not expecting anything but I did a good job, even with a new monologue so that was just terrific. I had fun. Am I at the point that auditioning is fun? Kind of.....? I don't want to say that. I will now have several unfun auditions to punish me for my hubris. POSEIDON!

But then today all that changed and I PANICKED. I started thinking that I'm not in the right plays, and there are opportunities coming up and I have engagements so can't audition for other things, and those new things that I can't do look cool and maybe those are better projects for me, and I worry I'm not GETTING OUT THERE and am PICKING THE WRONG PROJECTS. And I don't have an agent, so I really just do the things that I want to do, but let's be honest, why should I trust me, I make horrible decisions and can't use a cash register. I am, at best, an unreliable judge of character and someone with a propensity towards self destruction. Maybe I, like George Costanza, have to start doing the opposite of everything I normally do.

And then the fun train just stops.

So I have to get back on it, because really things are fine. And I don't want to be ungrateful because I have some very nice projects that I want to do and am lucky to be in, my god, and there will be more, there will be, there will be.

I have not died yet!!!!!