What you Dont' Know About Women....

I'm in a show.

This show.

I have a small part. I play a servant to the lead character, Petruchio. My character's name is Grumio.

I like this picture of some Grumio from some version of this play.

But if you, like me, prefer to think in terms of romantic comedies for teens, I am this guy:


That would be David Krumholtz as Michael in the mid-90's classic, Ten Things I Hate About You, starring the late, great Heath Ledger, and the still-alive, still totally mediocre Julia Stiles. The parallel doesn't really work, because Warner Bros., in their infinite wisdom, made Heath/Patrick/Petruchio a loner, and Grumio is his assistant. So there isn't really a Grumio. But my future husband Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who is kind of like Lucentio, has this guy, who is kind of like Hortensio, but also kind of a Grumio. Like a second, or a man-at-arms, or a goofy sidekick. Whatever, we'll go with it, because I like this guy and it makes me feel better about my part.

I'm struggling with it right now. In continuing with my grand tradition of always having to play male characters who speak in prose (a tradition I'm ready to see the end of: it has come up in auditions lately that maybe I can't do verse, and that is not true, and scary to me), I am, once again, a boy (see above). But I play it as a girl. However, there are problems with that. In the text, Grumio has lots of references to man, men, and there are lines that he/she has to overhear that disparage women.

I am supposed to play loyalty to Petruchio at all costs, but as a girl, and as a strong character like Grumio, it strikes me as very disengenuous that she's ok to hear her sex lambasted, and consents to the treatment of Katherine, the shrew. It makes sense to me in a way that Grumio is loyal, but not blindly supportive of Petruchio. All of his/her asides become passive aggressive comments, which is such a female thing to do. Not condoning, not condemning, but allowing things to happen and commenting on them from the outside. That also fits in a sense of representing women and the lower classes: that they have to be outside the action, but have intelligence which belies their position. That's what I'm trying to bring to it. Snarky, wise, a good servant but one who speaks her mind, often to her and her master's peril. However, in order to fit the traditional idea of Grumio (that I'm not attached to, but that the play moves towards), I have to want to die fighting for Petruchio. The male influence is in the text, and I have to honor it while still subverting it.

I dont' want to be a difficult actor, but I also feel it's a mistake to make the choice to cast a girl in this part (because it is not one that changes with no ramifications...it IS a male part), and then to pretend I'm not a girl, or to pretend I'm a girl with no female instincts. I think there's the opportunity to create a very different, strong, interesting character, but that means that some pre-conceived notions have to go away. And that's hard when you only have a few weeks.

Women are different from men. I read the play differently because I'm a girl. It's difficult to know how to play this (although this is, what, the fifth male turned female Shakespeare role I've had to do). Right now all of this is making it difficult for me to enjoy it. I have to find something I love about Grumio. That's a huge challenge for me. If I don't like a character, and I have never been a huge fan of Grumio's, it's hard to get inside and play them fully, to make them win their scenes. I had this problem with Olga in 'Three Sisters', but I came to like her, and to see her as vital to the play. Hopefully I can get there with this character. But right now, it feels much like David Krumholtz must have felt as he drove his bike right over the cliff.

Man, that movie is awesome.

We're Opening Doors, Singing, 'Here we are'.....

Well, today's post actually has some kind of educational content. Imagine that! It also has the added bonus of distracting me from memorizing text that I desperately need to learn. Yesterday night, tonight, and tomorrow night I have the unfortunate task of memorizing different things. So I'll just blog instead. Tum te tum.

Anyway, the lesson today was CRASHING AUDITIONS IS A GOOD THING TO DO. Yes, you might have to spend two and a half hours sitting on the floor in a stairwell in Ryerson University. Yes, the only other people auditioning for the first huge chunk of time might be all men with sides they were already given to prepare, and you might feel really embarrassed as you are clearly not supposed to be auditioning today. Yes, you might hate yourself when other REAL actors, those who got legitimate auditions ask you what time you're at, and you have to say you don't have a time.

BUT you might get seen at the end of that and have a good audition, and learn that you were supposed to be given an audition and they typed your email address wrong. So you have been punishing yourself for a week and wondering why you didn't get this one, and you actually did.

If your name is Jessica Moss, all these things will happen.

But it was really good! Ok, waiting or that long was kind of ass. But it ended up being a good audition. Until the inevitable crash on the streetcar ride home when I realized it probably wasn't as good as I thought. But I had lots of fun, and it was nice learning that I should have been seen, and my pieces were pretty good, which means I can find new ones for my audition in two weeks, but I have something I can totally use if nothing else pops up.

Now I can be hideously rejected because I have jinxed myself by writing about it. OH NO, I FORGOT, THE UNIVERSE CAN'T HEAR MY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, EVERYONE LOOK POSITIVE.

Ha ha. 'Everyone'. There is no one reading this. I am funny.

But I really am trying to put more positive thoughts out there.

Maybe, however, instead of positive thoughts, I should learn my lines for a callback, so that I can impress them with my ability to act and learn things, rather than my ability to will my desires into being by proclaiming them to the universe. Blah. I've had too much to learn lately. My brain wants candy. And scheduling has been so not fun and I am worried about losing my jobs and pissing everyone off.

Oh, but last night I saw a ballet version of this and it reminded me that I want to be a dancer, not an actor. Or, really, I want to be Rita Moreno:

Don't talk of stars, burning above, if you're in love, show me....

Talkity talk talk.

Why do I not have great contemporary monologues? Why are they so hard to find? I am terrified about doing 'overdone' monologues, so I pass a lot of things I'd love to do up just because I feel they are choices everyone is making. I guess that's really only a problem if you don't do them as well as anyone else, but I'd like to have a fighting chance, at least.

I want a monologue that SHOWS something wonderful about me, that makes everyone go, 'Hey, this girl has MOXIE'. Are there any moxie monologues?

I've shocked myself by how much I've let my acting muscles go. The fact that I've had lots lined up for quite a while means I haven't been auditioning, so I don't have new exciting monologues that I'm itching to show. I'm very tired of my old ones (not my Shakespeares, I love my Shakespeares, although I need some new ones of those too, so that I can show people new stuff). But my contemporaries, and especially my canadian contemporaries, are abysmal. So monologues = in tatters. And I missed a submission a while ago, which is kind of unheard of for me. I submit for a lot. I don't get very much, but I take looking for acting work very seriously. I just got caught up with work and....I have no idea what else. Television?

It's been hard to strike a balance between my work and my career. I've never found it so tricky, I guess mostly because I was babysitting, and nothing ever paid enough to really care about missing a day or so. I am loathe to let anyone down, and always go out of my way to appear the best employee ever, but my work has been so sporadic, and for such irregular hours, that it has always been not so bad balancing the two. Also, I've spent most of my life in school, where that battle is fought for you. Easy peasy.

But now the lure of money is very strong. I feel bad not working. But I also know that I don't want to just have a joe job for the rest of my life. I want to work in theatre. And I have to take that seriously in order to move up the ranks. But it's hard when auditioning (or even submitting) seems to yield nothing. Because I could just go to work and make money instead of embarrassing myself. Right now I'm trying to decide if I should crash an audition (which would require, likely, the leaving of work early, as well as the learning of new monologues). I also have to put some time into what I'm going to perform for my friend's cabaret-type night, which I am so honored to be a part of but have put no thought into whatsoever.

What's happening to me? I keep forgetting I'm an actor.

That's easy to do when you're not really one. When you just pretend for no money.

Well, it's been a long, been a long, been a long, been a long day...

On Friday I had the chance to be a part of Humber River Shakespeare's Sonnet Show.

It's a fundraiser they do for their summer season, which I'm looking to be a part of this year. Much like Trafalgar 24, which I did for Driftwood Theatre back in March, this is a 24-play event, but in this one, the writers have two weeks to work on their shows.



We were at Montgomery's Inn, where I'll be spending a lot of time this summer. Luckily, it is pretty.


I was in a fight show, but the fights were pre-cast and pre-choreographed, so I had quite an easy day. I've done four 24 hour events now, and I've never had to deal with performance jitters, because I've never had that much in any of them to worry about. Although for school 24 hour musicals, I had to do props and sets, and that is wayyy more stress for me than acting. But I was not that busy.

Which gave me lots of time to pretend I was a cast member on Road to Avonlea.


This is where I would turn Felix Prince into Felix King. That joke is not funny, but sums up my feelings for Avonlea's favorite son. Dear God.



We did a short amount of outside rehearsing.














I have lots of that to look forward to this summer, between Humber River, and the Summerworks show that I am crossing my fingers so hard they meld into one giant pointing device that I get to do it, because I really want to, but my schedule is difficult. They're both classical shows outside. I'm really excited for that! I'm not nature girl at all. I like being in darkened, enclosed theatres, communing with vermin and trolls. But for some reason, just tonight I was in my backyard at dusk, and I was really thrilled that I would be spending lots of time in the sun, and being outside for that beautiful time when day becomes night.

I will likely not feel this way when I die from malaria due to mosquito bites.

Dearly Beloved, We Gather Here to Say Our Goodbyes....

Tonight I went and saw a reading of Bertolt Brecht's 'Galileo'. It was at Convocation Hall.

Who says people don't go to the theatre anymore? Apparently they just don't go to theatre in theatres. Put it in a lecture hall and you will get yourself quite a distinguished crowd.

My new friend Jordan was there, and he said it was kind of like attending theatre church. It really was. There were so many people there I've looked up to for such a long time, and I really did come to worship at their shrine. It definitely felt like I was paying respects to people that I admire, and the place was so big, it did have that cavernous, church-y feel.

Plus the chairs were uncomfortable.


So many good actors! Ann-Marie MacDonald, Daniel MacIvor, Fiona Highet, Caroline Gillis...it was kind of amazing that they amassed this kind of cast list. It really could become some sort of regular thing: massive plays that are rarely fully staged because of their size or complexity or whatever, read by the best people. That sounds like something, doesn't it?







There are famous people in this picture, but you'll have to take my word for it.




I first read 'Galileo' in undergrad, and thought I would hate it. I had some longstanding Brechtian hatred, and I don't know what it was even based on. Mostly that his name sounded like some kind of sound you make when you have a lung inflammation. And that everything I had heard about him sounded boring. But I loved reading 'Galileo'. There is so much passion and excitement and beauty in that play, both inherently in the subject matter, about the rediscovery of where we are in the universe and what that knowledge means, and in Brecht's writing. It's very funny, outlandish and real at the same time. I then fell back off the Brecht wagon, only to go wayyyy back on after I did 'The Ark' at the NAC and got the chance to read a ton of Brecht. Man, I want to be in a Brecht play so bad. I think he's great. Most of the time. I was reminded tonight of what a good play it really is.

As much as I saw lots of friends and people I love, I saw some enemies too. I've avoided quite a bit of theatre in the past few months because of these enemies, and the way they make me feel: that I don't deserve to see shows because I don't deserve to be a part of the Toronto theatre community, and I am not allowed to be there. But again, a reading from the book of my new friend Jordan said that every time I go to one of those things, I win. That was encouraging. Have to keep fighting.

The Nausea Before The Game

Look at me blog! Two days in a row!

Too bad I have absolutely nothing of value to say.

I'm 'in between' projects right now. And really, I'm in a position of luxury: I am coming off two major and one minor project, and have two major projects coming up (in rapid succession: I keep having anxiety that everything will collapse in a disorganizational muckheap). Plus a far off distant project, and something in the works creation-wise. I have three and a half weeks where all I have to do is work, before I start rehearsing, and then don't stop for eight weeks (unless said muckheap occurs).

But I'm already feeling creatively barren and as if I will never act again. I feel irrelevant. I feel I'm not getting auditions and I'm not moving forward. I feel everyone is getting these auditions and moving forward and their projects are always better than mine and BLAH! I hate not getting auditions! I hate feeling that I'm not even a part of things!

Someone told me at the workshop that I have to get super-specific with the universe, and think about the things I really want and they will happen. I do not believe in The Secret, but I keep trying to do this. The thing is: IT DOES NOT WORK FOR ME. Which is a pretty horrible realization, if it is working for everyone else. The universe says 'Oh, shit, it's Jessica...pretend we're not home'. I thought so hard about getting the Barrie gig, I thought so hard about a few things I auditioned for in the fall, and it did not happen. I did good work for all those things, and I was positive, and it all did not happen.

Hello? Hello?

Yes.

I know that soon I will be super busy and stressed, and maybe while I'm doing those things my projects for fall will materialize, because work begets work, and so it goes. But I want at least ONE contract, paying gig before my contract, paying gig exactly a year from now. That would be absolutely excellent. More would be great. But if I can just get ONE, I will feel good.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, UNIVERSE?

That Wig Back on the Shelf.

I want so badly to be a blogger, but I am obviously not.

I guess this is probably true about being a writer. I think about writing a lot....I write a lot, but nothing ever comes of it. I think about blogging a lot, and how much I want to be a blogger who has this hip blog and cool life and people are interested in me. But really, I don't have those things, I am not those things, so it would be a fabrication, which is another word for a LIE. Which is obviously what I want to do when I write, I want to LIE but do so so skillfully that it is even more truthful than the truth. Ah. I am a poet.

But then I don't. I don't know what to say. So I am still not a writer and not a blogger, even though I want to be. This is because I have to live with my thoughts in my brain all the time, so it seems tiring to want to rehash them and make them public, because they even nauseate me, so why would I want to nauseate the no people who read this?

Ah well.

I need some more pictures, but I did not take any, because I am disorganized.

I did this amazing workshop last week and the week before. I got to be a part of Tout Comme Elle, with Necessary Angel, which is only this company that I have loved for years, and be directed by Brigitte Haentjens who is amazing and Siminovitchy. There were all these famous theatre women in it, and me. It was kind of nerve wracking. The first day I was afraid I would pee and it would be on Fiona Reid. Or Tanja Jacobs. Or other people that I have looked up to for so long AND NOW I'M IN A PLAY WITH THEM OH MY GOD. But it was really exciting and proud-making and inspiring and just really effing nice to get up and go to work ACTING for a series of more than two hours at a time, for which I am not paid and happens in some guy's basement. Professional actors are so lucky. Really. It was nice to be one for 8 days.

And it is a fun, sad, beautiful show that I think will be totally different from anything else, and that is exciting.

And now I'm working at Harry Potter and watching The Bachelorette and feeling like the farthest thing from an actor. I must not watch this show, I must not watch this show.

I am watching this show.

I have projects coming up for a bit, although my schedule right now is making me wig out and that makes me want to get in my bed and do nothing ever, which is the opposite of being super pro-active and fighting for the career I so badly want. I am not getting generals and that is a pain. Come on, theatre companies. See me. See me, THEN reject me. Hopefully these upcoming projects will be awesome and fulfilling and that would be just dandy.

So it goes.